


What is enough?

by Catching_sunrays



Category: Davenzi - Fandom, Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drawing, M/M, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 07:34:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18545185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catching_sunrays/pseuds/Catching_sunrays
Summary: Matteo isn't feeling very well after thinking about his future. David isn't feeling very well after seeing his boyfriend so hurt. In the end the question is "What is enough?".





	What is enough?

The last couple of days weren't the best and yesterday the girls were at their apartment and they were talking about their future. Matteo had listened to it from the safety of his room, but he got an anxiety attack from thinking about his own. He didn't have a real plan. He felt lost and the future wasn't bright and shiny. He had called David, asked him to come by and not even half an hour later the doorbell was ringing.

  
David was winded. He had must ran from his place to get as fast has he could to see Matteo. As soon as he saw Matteo's red eyes he had thrown his bag on the ground and pulled Matteo in a tight hug. The other one wrapped his arms around him and buried his face in the crook of his neck. With gentle strokes on Matteo's back David tried to calm him down a little bit. He didn't know what had happened, but that didn't matter. All what mattered was to make sure Matteo was safe, not alone. David learned this was his greatest fear, to be left alone. This was the reason he couldn't move sometimes, the reason why he sometimes wasn't able to think straight, because his mind was flipping around. Thinking of all the times he was left alone, feeling small and wounded. It took some time to find a mechanism to help him. Sometimes it felt like he didn't let anyone near him. He was isolating himself, as if he was craving for the hurt and the feeling in his soul. Finding kind of an affirmation for his feelings. David understood. It wasn't as simple as others may thought. It was a spiral of thoughts and feelings. Most of the times when Matteo was gone to deep it needed a good amount of time to get him out there. But when he was like tonight, it was different. He was reaching out for David, was asking for help and that was a good sign.

  
So David guided him to his room, greeting the girls briefly on their way. They had stopped talking as soon as David had entered the apartment and were looking curiously out of the living room. But David didn't care. All he was caring about was the little pile of human in his arms. The minute Matteo had touched his bed, he crawled to his side of it and curled himself up. David didn't hesitate and placed himself next to him. They were facing each other. Another good sign. Matteo didn't turn away, he was open to his company and perhaps a little talk, later. For now David was putting one arm around Matteo's waist, let the other now he was there. The other hand found its way to Matteo's head, gently fondling though the strands of hair. David could feel how Matteo relaxed and breathed to calm himself a little bit. It was a technique he learned during therapy.  
After a while Matteo was finally able to look up in David's face. The whole time David was letting his fingers run through Matteo's hair. It wasn't just because he new this was something Matteo liked during those moments, but he himself loved the feeling of Matteo's soft hair tingling on his hands.  
"You want to talk about it?" David asked with a quiet voice, but Matteo answered with a shake of his head. So David rested his head on the pillow after placing a soft kiss on Matteo's forehead and whispered _Okay_.

  
They were laying in bed like this for what felt like the whole night. The street lamps turned on and the room in a soft yellow light. Matteo couldn't find to sleep. His head was spinning and David didn't stop caressing his boyfriend, guiding him through this episode. He new he wouldn't fix him, but it made the situation a little bit more bearable.  
David had fallen asleep at some point, because a voice near his ear woke him up again. He tried to stay awake, but in the end the tiredness had won.  
"David?...Are you sleeping?" Matteo's breathy voice was barely audible, but David had a light sleep, like he was ready to wake up to be there for Matteo every minute, "Hmm...Yeah...Of course, I am here, I am awake." He rolled himself on his side to face Matteo again. "I think I want to talk about it now."

  
They had an agreement. If one of them felt like this, first not able to talk about it, as soon as they feel the urge to talk, they reach out to the other, because sometimes the feeling was going away really quickly. Their relationship wasn't always easy, but it was the best thing David could imagine. So he was there for Matteo, just lying in bed and listen to his boyfriend talking in his arms.

  
"I overheard the girls talking about their plans for the future. Which university they are going to apply and the upcoming vacations. And all I could think of was the fact that I have no plan at all. I want to go to university, but I don't know where. Perhaps I have to leave Berlin and my friends...I have to leave you," the last words nothing more than a whisper. "I don't want to go away and leave you." David felt the tears of his boyfriend burning on his chest. He pulled Matteo closer, wrapping his arms around the body next to him and hiding his face in Matteo's hair. "Neither do I want you to go...but we have to think about our future. And I know we will figure things out. I love you and you love me, we have dealt with problems before and I am sure we'll find a solution." _But sometimes love isn't enough_ is what he thought, not able to speak out loud his last thoughts. "And remember, we said minute for minute. So for this minute, just try to not think about the future, but the presence, you lying in my arms and me holding you close to my heart. Let's try to sleep a little bit." He gave him a kiss on his hair and Matteo lifted his head, silently asking for a kiss, which David was overfond of giving him, a smile on his lips.

Matteo had fell to sleep at some point. He woke up from the feeling of cold sweat on his body. David was holding his hand, a thing they did most of the times. Even if they didn't sleep wrapped around each other they always managed to hold on to each other. Matteo must have rolled himself from one side to the other. The sheet was rumpled under him and damped. He took David's hand and put it on his own chest, right above his heart. He was glad he called him last night, was glad to feel his presence after waking up, exhausted but better. For quite a while he was just looking at the boy laying next to him. David looked beautiful and peaceful. Matteo's sight was caught by a book placed beside his sleeping boyfriend. It was David's sketchbook Matteo took the book and began to browse the pages. Most of them he already knew. It became a regularity for them. One night of the week they curled up on Matteo's armchair and flipped through the pages together. Matteo loved those evenings. These were intimate moments and David was always a little nervous what Matteo would say to his artwork.

  
The last pages were filled with new drawings, all very dark and looking at them made Matteo sad. He didn't know what they meant and he didn't detested them, it was just that they touched his mind on a very deep level. He was staring at the pages and didn't notice David moving next to him.  
"Good morning," David scooted over a little bit closer and placing a kiss on Matteo's hand which he was still holding in his hand, "What are you doing?"  
"Hey," Matteo tried to smile, but he could feel it didn't make its way to his eyes so he stopped trying. "I found your sketchbook and I was just looking through the pages. I hope this is okay." The last part more of a question. David remained silent, studying Matteo's face and finally he nod, "Yeah, I guess it is okay."

  
"When did you draw these?" Matteo asked, handing David his book with the open drawings. David sighed. "These are from last night." He was touching the pages, tracing the outlines of one drawing with his fingers. "What do they represent? I couldn't figure out. It is familiar and yet strange." Matteo asked, pulling David out from his thoughts.  
"They show you and what I felt last night while I was watching you sleeping, with worries all over your face," he whispers in return. Matteo had to swallow. "This is what you think, what you feel about me?" Matteo couldn't believe it. David brought himself up next to Matteo, never letting go of his hand. "Of course not. Well, not exactly. It is difficult to explain. You were so broken yesterday and this is what I saw. No please, don't get mad or sad, let me finish," and he brought his hand to Matteo's face who could see the worry in the other one's eyes. Matteo didn't interrupted him, just nodded. David turned the pages and a collage was opened Matteo had seen before, but they didn't talk about. David had avoided explaining it and Matteo hadn't asked any more about it. But now he was telling him the story behind it. It showed a little boy, over him was a heavy cloud. The colorchoice was dark, mostly black and grey. There was a speech bubble over the open mouth of the boy. It looks as he was screaming, but the bubble was blank, painted white. Everything else was covered by a thin layer of grey. "This one I made after you had to talk to your father. You were so small afterwards and it looked as a cloud was hanging over your thoughts, covering you under a layer of misery. After that you had turned away from everyone and there was a dark shadow over your face. It looked like you wanted to scream, but you couldn't find your own voice. And because you didn't talk to me about it, I needed to free my thoughts and this is my way to deal with it. I paint and I make collages." Matteo nodded, but let David continue.

  
"And yesterday...you scared me. I want you to have a great future. I want you to be happy and to do what you want to do with your life. I don't want you to keep yourself restrained because of me. What if you find a great course at a university in Munich or Cologne or anywhere else than here? Fuck, I want you to go! And the rest we figure out. That is what I tell myself every time I think about it. But sometimes, like yesterday, I can't stay this positive. I can't stop the feeling that perhaps it would be better if we never had met. You wouldn't have to suffer like this right now. You could make your decision without thinking about me. So tonight, when I had drawn you, I couldn't stop thinking about the hurt I caused you and will cause you. Sometimes I fear love is not always enough, that we aren't enough." Matteo had stiffen while David was talking. He needed to swallow after David's words and his thoughts were running free in his mind. "I would be in a worse place like this without you. You are the fucking best thing that had happened to me, you idiot. Just the thought of me being happy without you is ridiculous. And I believe there isn't a single possible way we never had met. This was predetermined and not your decision to make. So stop this bullshit right there. I wouldn't change this...us for anything in the world. Yes, I am terrified by the future, but I...there isn't a single possible version for me without you in it." He let go of David's hand and took the book. David was out of words. He was just looking at him with big eyes. They never had talked about this with so much honesty.

  
Matteo was studying the drawings from last night, "I hope the next one will be more positive." he leaned forward and took David in his arms. "I love you. I know love is not always enough, but we are so much more. So even if I got my moments, when I doubt everything, when the dark clouds are hanging over my mind like yesterday, there is always a part of me which is hoping to get back to you. Sometimes I got the strength and sometimes I have to rebuilt this strength in my soul, but in the end it is always you. So lets make a plan. I know, we said minute for minute, but for the next minute let us think about our future and which possibilities there are for us to be together and work things out." David let his head rest on Matteo's shoulder, a light smile on his lips. He loved their dynamic. They were strong for each other. If one of them is struggling, the other one is there, reassuring both of them. "That sounds like a good plan." and he turned his head, "but do we need to start right know? Or do we have a minute for some other activities?" he glanced at Matteo with a telling smirk on his face. "I guess we could spent a few minutes for other things," Matteo responded and bend down to meet David's lips for a sweet kiss.

  
In the end they both knew that they would find a way to work things out. Nothing was as dark and gloomy as it looks in moments of fear. The sun was shining through the windows and with a new day, there was new hope.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! ♥ 
> 
> This was written for the tumblr prompt: 2. I like to draw at night | it starts to get surreal | But less time that I spent with you | the less you need to heal.
> 
> If you like to talk to me or to send me another prompt from [this list](https://wanderlust-in-my-soul.tumblr.com/post/184160397893/prompt-list) you can find me [here](https://wanderlust-in-my-soul.tumblr.com/)


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